Still Here
by AliasRuisleipa
Summary: They told me he was dead and wouldn't listen to what I had to say. Hanji probably thought I was insane and I thought she was being an idiot. After all, Eren was still here. (Eren/Levi, major character death)


**A/N:** Okay, it's been a long time since I wrote a fanfic (not that I have written many to begin with) but I just had to write this one the minute I got the inspiration. Now I'm drowning in new ideas so we'll see if I can make myself write more stuff after half a year of writer's block.

A word of warning though, it's unbeta'd and I'm not a native English speaker. If someone's interested betaing this, comment or send a message ^^

Hope you enjoy reading this ~

**Still here**

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"Didn't you hear me? There's no shit to be sorry about."

And really, there wasn't. Everyone makes mistakes and the man in the blue uniform standing on my doorstep had made one. He was obviously at the wrong door. A simple mistake that could happen to anyone.

He gave me a pitying look. Annoying. Why couldn't he understand that he was talking to the wrong person? Someone else needed him to tell the news at this very moment and he's still wasting time standing at my door. I watched him take a card of some sort out of his breast pocket and holding it out in front of me.

I took it out of curiosity and read the few words on it. Noticing my so far expressionless face turn to one of slight annoyance and confusion, he explained "It has a few places and people you might want to call."

It had phone numbers of therapists, psychiatrists and a "Young Widows" support group.

Deciding it wasn't worth the trouble or time trying to keep explaining the man how he had the wrong person, I accepted it with a nod of thanks and closed the door. He would notice his mistake soon enough.

In less than an hour there was a knock on my door again. Groaning, I got up from my dinner, figuring it was probably the same shitty police officer coming to apologize his mistake.

Surprisingly, it was Hanji.

Hanji visiting uninvited isn't a surprise, she did it all the time. The fact that she knocked instead of barking in was the strange factor. She was smiling a sad smile and her eyes were puffy and red. It looked like she would break down crying at any given second.

Well, shit. I'm really not good at comforting people.

"Can I come in?"

She would have come in anyway, so I stepped aside and closed the door behind her. She went over to my couch and sat on it and not sure what else to do, I went to sit at the opposite end of it. If she was upset about something, why did she come to me? She knows from experience that I'd probably just make it worse. Not on purpose though, I just never quite grasped the concept of consoling. She had many other friends, like Petra, who were basically born to let people cry on their shoulders and cheering them up afterwards.

Still, she had come for me for an unknown reason, so I decided to at least give it a try.

"What's wrong?"

She gave me a quick confused look but in a matter of seconds she looked like she realized something (what she realized was a mystery to me) and her expression changed. I wish it hadn't.

It was the most heartbreaking face Hanji had ever made in front of me. I swear I still see it in my nightmares sometimes. She was smiling but the smile was so fucking sad and small yet it seemed so gentle at the same time. Her lips were trembling slightly and her eyes watered even more and I saw a single tear falling from the right one before she quickly swept it away. She made it look like she just brushed her bangs behind her ear but I think we both knew better.

Hanji is my best friend, after all, and no matter how much of an asshole I could be, I never liked to see her sad. It was horrible and it made my chest tighten uncomfortably.

"Levi…"

"Please don't cry, it doesn't suit you and I don't know how to deal with it."

"You could cry with me."

"What is there for me to cry for?"

The usually cheerful brunette said nothing as she gently wrapped her arms around me in a little too tight hug that certainly did not help the feeling in my chest at all. I hated hugs. Or well, most of them. Ones with Eren were nice, even though I never admitted it out loud. I'm pretty sure he knew that, though.

"It's going to be okay, you know," she whispered in my ear and her hold on me tightened just a bit.

"You'll get through this. I'm here for you. We're all here for you."

What the hell was she talking about?

… Oh. Did that shitface police go to her too?

"I'm sure Eren didn't-"

"Hanji, you're crying over nothing."

Her back straightened a little, her hands moving now to my shoulders and forced me to look at her in the eyes. She was obviously trying to look convincing even though she was shaking and tears silently streamed down her cheeks.

"Levi, Eren is dead." I actually snorted at that.

"He is not. The police must've confused him with someone else. Eren's coming back home tomorrow by 5:30."

Hanji shook her head, never breaking the eye contact.

"He won't."

She took a deep breath.

"Eren's gone, Levi."

After that, I told my best friend to "get the hell out" in a fit of sudden rage. She was pretty reluctant to do so and I may or may not have said pretty cruel things to her she didn't deserve. I regretted them immediately after I had calmed down and promised myself to apologize the next day. Eventually she left, but not without saying I could call her anytime I needed her. My reply was to slam the door in front of her face.

It was 5:37 and Eren wasn't back.

I wasn't really worried, Eren was always late. He'd be here soon enough I told myself and started cooking his favorite food. I figured a little nice gesture from my side every now and then wouldn't hurt our relationship.

There was a knock on the door around ten minutes later, just as I was cutting vegetables for the salad like the good housewife I seemed to be at the moment. I rushed to the door, happy to finally see my boyfriend after two weeks. I was slightly confused though since Eren didn't usually knock since he knew how much I hated stopping whatever I was doing to go open the door for him when he was perfectly capable of using his own shitty key. For some reason, I still knew for sure that the one behind our front door was him.

And I was right. As I opened the door, two bright turquoise eyes stared back at my grey ones, shimmering in delight at the sight of me. He closed the door in the speed of light and glomped me like his life depended on it. I returned it just as eagerly and buried my face to his chest to inhale his scent. Apparently he noticed that since he chuckled.

"Missed me?"

"Maybe."

He hummed happily and gave a sweet peck on my lips before commenting on the great smell coming from the kitchen. And, since we're talking about Eren here, he ditched me for the food in a heartbeat.

Nothing had changed. The yelp Eren did as he burned his hand taking the chicken from the oven proved that. Everything was normal, just like I had kept telling the others and myself.

I allowed myself to smile and followed after him.

"Everyone thinks you're dead for some reason", I told him while we were having dinner.

He chuckled and talked with his mouth full (which was disgusting). Just like always.

"Well, I'm here aren't I?"

I hummed in response, maybe even smiled a little. It feels like I'm smiling a lot more today than usual.

We cleaned up together after eating. I put the stuff that needed to be in cool in the fridge while Eren filled the dishwasher. I heard him push the button and the sound of water filling the machine met my ears. After that, Eren hugged me and told me that he was going out for a bit.

"Just a walk," he said. I told him to be careful. I never did that kind of things so it surprised us both. It sort of paid off since he flashed me a dazzling smile at that and pecked my forehead.

"Of course sweetie!"

I helped him out of the door by literally kicking his ass while he laughed.

A few minutes later someone was knocking again. I figured Eren probably forgot something (like keys so that he could help himself in). Instead, it was Hanji again.

"Hi."

She still looked pathetic and her voice was raspy.

"Hi."

"Can I come in?" I actually had to think a couple of seconds whether or not I wanted to waste my energy on her. I was pretty tired. Yet, I let her in again. As if I could actually tell her off when she was looking like that.

"Do you want to dr-"

"Could you cut it out? Please? It's creeping me out and you know that not a lot things do that."

"Cut what out?"

The sound of the slap she gave me seemed to echo in the apartment for a few seconds. The shocked look I gave (which meant my eyes widened a fraction) her made her almost look apologetic. Almost.

"You have to accept it Levi. You have to so that you can get over it. I know it's not easy but Eren wouldn't want-"

Not this shit again.

"Eren's alive. He came back a few hours ago."

Wow, it actually shut her up for the total of 8 seconds. I was counting.

"What?"

"Yeah, he came back and we had dinner half an hour ago and he went out for a walk just ten minutes ago."

She sighed and I thought she was relieved. Finally someone was listening to me. Sometimes I'm really happy she's my best friend.

"Levi, you should go see a therapist."

I take that back.

"Why the hell should I? Didn't I just tell you? My shitty boyfriend isn't dead."

"No, he is very dead. I'm a coroner for god's sake! I inspected his dead body!"

She was holding her head in her hands looking like she wanted to scream. It's not like she was the only one, though. I wanted to scream right back at her that I was not crazy, Eren was fine and he was going to be home any minute now.

I wanted Hanji out by then. I'm not entirely sure why, but I felt like nobody who wouldn't believe he's alive deserved to see him.

A couple days just me and Eren would do us good and may be enough time for Hanji to calm the fuck down.

"Please Hanji, I'm tired of fighting with you over this. Would you mind leaving me alone for a while? I'd like to take a nap, my head is killing me." It wasn't exactly a lie. My head felt weird and I was actually pretty exhausted.

She was looking at me and apparently contemplating something in that twisted head of hers.

"On two conditions," she didn't wait for any response to that before continuing.

"You can have tomorrow all for yourself without me interrupting but only if you promise me these two things. One, you're coming to therapy at 13:00 the day after tomorrow. Erwin and I will drive you there. Two…"

Her eyes bore into mine and it felt like she was trying to read my mind.

"Two, don't hurt yourself."

Her voice wavered but it was still said with the most seriousness Hanji was capable of producing. Nevertheless, she seemed to be afraid of the answer I was going to give her.

Why the hell would've I hurt myself? I could agree on that condition. However, the first one was a pain in the ass. How many times did I need to say I didn't have anything to say for a shitty therapist who pretends to listen and gets paid for it?

Oh, but they'll have to believe me if they see Eren when they come get me.

"It's a deal. Now get your ass out of here, unless you have a magic trick getting my headache away."

"Actually I read about this-"

"On a second thought, just go."

It was good to see her give one of her normal smiles after all this shit. Not that I would tell her that. I should probably enjoy tomorrow Eren with all we've got since no one's going to give us a moment alone for weeks after they realize he's still alive.

I stretched myself on the couch and closed my eyes. I was just falling asleep when the lately all too familiar noise of knocking snapped me out of it.

"Use your keys shitface!"

"Sorry, I forgot them!"

Groaning, I got up and opened the door for Eren. As soon as he closed the door behind him, he hugged me again. I nuzzled my face in his shirt on instinct. Weird, he wasn't sweaty like he usually was after his walks.

"Sleepy?"

I could smell his smile, which was slightly annoying, but nodded against his chest nevertheless.

We made our way to our bedroom and fell asleep with our limbs tangled around each other just like always.

I woke up alone on the king-sized bed. For a second I was little confused since I was usually the one to wake Eren up. Or at least trying to. I swear he'd sleep through an earthquake.

I didn't have to dwell on it for long as I heard the toilet flush and the sound of Eren's footsteps against the cold floor coming towards the bedroom.

"'Morning", he said with a sleepy smile while leaning against the door frame. It was really one of my favorites. The way his eyes were slightly lidded with a sleepy hue but still holding so much affection just for me still made my heart do back flips in my chest and my brain to wonder what ever did I do to deserve that look.

"Hn."

I got up too and we made breakfast, though I did the most work. Eren seemed somehow more eager to have physical contact with me than usual. He was hugging me from behind or giving me kisses pretty much the whole time. I didn't really mind, so I didn't say or do anything to stop him. I still couldn't help the smile creeping on my face as I flipped the pancake.

I told him to set the table while I would empty the dishwasher but I furrowed my brows when I opened it and the smell of the slightly rotten food invaded my nostrils. I was pretty sure Eren had turned it on last night. Shrugging, I turned in on again. The sound of water filling the machine made me nod in approval and I decided to call the repair man if it wouldn't do its job properly this time. Shitty electronics.

We didn't talk a lot during breakfast, which wasn't anything new. I was a little grumpy in the mornings, or especially grumpy as the shitty glasses liked to say, and Eren took a while to completely wake up.

I wasn't too surprised that no one had called me from work. I guessed they were told that I needed time to "recover from the death of my loved one" too. Even though it was frustrating as hell, I appreciated the chance to spend the whole day with "my loved one" from waking up till going back to sleep. We hadn't really had that much time for each other lately. I'd got a promotion about month earlier and I had a lot more work to do and on top of that, Eren had been on a business trip for two weeks.

Which reminds me.

"Where are your bags? I don't remember you having them with you yesterday."

He raised a brow. "Did I forget to tell you?"

I probably expressed my confusion some way since he got the hint to keep going or maybe he just knew me that well.

"You know how airports tend to mess up? Well, apparently they sent my things to London. They said it'll take about a week or two to get them here."

"Piece of shit airports and planes. This is why you should only travel by foot or stay home. You can never trust any kind of traffic or the people in it."

Eren chuckled.

It was the best day I'd had in the last half a year or so. We didn't leave the house for a second. Instead, we baked chocolate cupcakes à la Eren and apparently Eren thought it would be fun to mess the whole kitchen up while making them. We cleaned up the mess. I did most of the work again since Eren seemingly forgot how to clean up to my standards during the small while he was away. Eren did most of the actual baking (he's actually pretty good with making all kinds of sweet stuff) so I guess it was fair. I made a mental note to teach him to clean up again during the next few days.

The cupcakes were good but it felt like something was missing. I shrugged it off as a small mistake in the amount of sugar or something.

Cuddling and watching TV happily sounded a little more tempting than making him upset about some fucking cupcakes after all.

The rest of the day we spent talking about trivial things, bickering half-heartedly and just cuddling and stealing kisses on the couch in a comfortable silence while the TV fed us not-so-interesting movies. It was closest to perfect I could think. I doubt I had ever felt so relaxed and happy to be by his side before that.

It was getting late and we were thoroughly tired of watching TV so we decided to hit the bed after a bath together. I was sure bathing together would be a lot more romantic and sexier if Eren didn't turn to a freaking 12-year-old with bubbles. There was also this classic yellow rubber duck enjoying the hot water with us. I never found out how it ended up there in the first place. Did it come with the apartment, Eren or Hanji, I had no idea. As long as it wasn't filthy and we weren't having sex there, it could stay for all I cared.

After changing to comfortable sleepwear (meaning boxers and one of Eren's shirts for both of us) we crawled under the covers lied there facing each other. He stroked my hair gently and smiled that sleepy smile again. I swore this brunet with ridiculously gorgeous eyes and Disney prince smile was going to be the death of me one day.

"Oh yeah, you have to be home tomorrow at 13:00. Hanji's coming over with Erwin and they're trying to take me to see a therapist. They still think you're dead and that I need help."

The hand gave me a few more strokes through my locks but his expression changed. He didn't look sad or angry or anything like that. He looked completely neutral and suddenly awake.

He quit stroking my hair to move his hand to cup my cheek instead and stared in to my eyes. A small sigh escaped his lips.

"Levi…"

I regretted for saying anything about the next day immediately.

"Don't you think you're ready?"

I was puzzled. At least that was what I was telling myself. I think Eren saw through me better than I did myself at the time.

"What the hell do you mean?"

I tried to sound angry but it came out with a slight waver that must've given me away. He inched his face closer to mine so that our foreheads were touching.

"When are you going to let go of me?"

I was certain my heart missed a beat at that.

"And wh-what do you mean by that?"

I never stutter. His hand on my cheek felt heavier and I'm pretty sure I was shaking. The person I loved the most in the world was giving me an apologetic look laced with worry but kept talking.

"I'm dead, Levi. When are you going to accept it?"

My mood changed abruptly from shocked to fuming and I stood up from the bed. I was breathing hard, as if I had run the stairs to the top of a six-storey building. I felt my whole body shaking and cold sweat forming on my skin. This had to be a nightmare.

"Are you shitting me? This isn't funny! You can say "I'm dead" to my face you asshole! The dead don't speak!"

He stood up too and he looked like he wanted to cry and hit me at the same time, a lot like Hanji the day before, I thought. He tried to reach his hand out to put it on my shoulder but I slapped it before it could touch me. I felt dizzy and like the room had grown smaller and larger around me at the same time. I didn't want Eren to see it so I used all of the little energy I had to muster up the angriest face I could make.

He knew I didn't show any kind of emotion when I was at my angriest but at the moment I didn't give a fuck. I probably tried to put my full focus on that expression just so that I wouldn't have to think about this, think about the person in front of me and what was happening. The face I was making was probably ridiculous but neither of us found it entertaining right then.

Dejected, he brought his hand he tried to soothe me with to his chest and turned that sad gaze that was slowly breaking my heart to the fluffy grey carpet we had bought from IKEA about a year ago since we both hated walking on a cold, hard floor in the mornings.

"It hurts, you know."

I'm pretty sure all of the anger disappeared from my face at those words and he cautiously glanced at me from under his bangs that would've needed a haircut within a week.

"When I went out for a run yesterday, I tried to go see Mikasa, Armin and the others. All of them looked so miserable. I felt like it was all my fault and I couldn't even do anything to comfort them since they couldn't see me like you could. It hurt."

A tear rolled down his right cheek and his voice wavers.

"What… But what really breaks my heart is seeing you in even more pain."

I wanted to say something, anything, be it a shit joke or something comforting or something wise I didn't care. Regardless of that, I couldn't move a single muscle in my body or even think of a proper sentence in my mind. The single tear had grown to rivers on his cheeks.

"To see you're in so much pain that you can't even accept the truth that I'm no longer alive is tearing me apart. To see how you're unable to move on 'cause you force yourself to believe I'm still here and that nothing's changed. It's tearing me apart."

He doesn't bother to wipe the tears on his face but places both of his hands on my shoulders and hunches his back a little so that we were on the same eye level. I didn't do anything to reject him this time.

"I wish you'd let me go so that you could move on with the life you still have. I just want you to be happy. This is only eating you from the inside. Please stop this, Levi."

"How am I supposed to believe you're not alive when you're right here?"

My voice was raspy and my vision was blurring with tears of my own.

"Are you a ghost? Or were these two days just a hallucination? Am I going crazy?"

He wrapped his arms around my trembling torso tightly and buried his face in my hair. I wanted to touch him too, to feel his warmth to assure myself that yes, he was still here and he was still alive, but my body refused to move.

"No, you're not crazy. You're just crestfallen. I doubt you're hallucinating since I can still think and go to places without you. Though how could I prove that to you."

I felt one his hand thread slowly through my raven hair again.

"I think the reason only you can see me is because you believe I'm still alive."

"So will you stay here forever if I keep believing in you?"

His arm around me tightens.

"I don't want that."

The way he whispered it would've been impossible to catch had he not had his mouth so close to my ear. Finally I was able to move my limbs. I used my fist to hit it against his chest. It was weak and effortless but I felt like I had to show my dismay to him in some way.

"Why the fuck not? Didn't you promise to stay with me forever?"

"My part of forever is over."

"Well, you still weren't with me the last two weeks of it."

"I'm sorry but trust me, I rather would not have died if I could've helped it."

"No problem, since you're here after all. We still have that forever."

"No, Levi, we don't. You have most of your life ahead of you but to actually live it you have to let me go."

We were both silent after that, just holding each other while the tears were still streaming down our faces and I was able to wrap my arms around him too. My trembling eventually stopped and I found the courage to speak my next words.

"I need a proof."

Eren was silent for a few seconds too long for my liking so I wasn't sure whether or not he had heard me so I repeated.

"I need a fucking proof you were actually here these two days. I want to make sure I'm not crazy."

He still didn't say anything for a moment and I was thinking if there was something wrong with him before he whispered:

"My bags were actually sent to London. You can check it from somewhere if you want…"

I snorted a little and felt the wet lines on my cheeks drying up slowly.

"But when they get back here, check the bigger one carefully. There's something I wanted to give you a long time ago."

My heart missed a beat again before it decided to run a fucking marathon. Eyes widening, I moved my hands to his chest and fisted the shirt there as if my depended on it. This wasn't happening.

"No. Please no…"

"I'm sorry it took too long…"

I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head slowly against him. No, no, no, no…

"You know what I would've answered, right?"

I managed to whisper against my inner turmoil. I felt him smile in my hair.

"I love you so much, Levi. I'm glad I got to say goodbye to you before I went away."

I raised my head to take a look at those eyes of his I fell in love with before I fell well in love with him himself and to repeat those words back to him for the last time.

He wasn't there.

Hanji and Erwin found me crying on my bed the next day (I don't remember if I had slept at all that night) and moved the appointment for a later day since I couldn't and wouldn't talk. They stayed with me the whole day and night.

When Eren's bag arrived, I feared opening it. What if it wasn't there and I were actually just hallucinating? After two hours of just staring at the bag and crying I gathered all my courage and opened it. I didn't care about the mess as I threw his clothes out of it to find the thing I was searching for. For a moment I thought it really wasn't there but then I heard a slightly louder 'thumph' on the floor while throwing the contents of the bag around.

I turned around and sure enough, there was a small ring box with a black satin coating on the floor. My hands were shaking so much I dropped it a couple of times picking it up before I could open it.

It was a simple white gold band. No diamond or other unnecessary adorning. It was so simple it was perfect to me. On a closer inception I noticed the engraving on the inner side of the ring. "Mit dir, toujours". I wanted to laugh at the irony of it but instead I cried myself to sleep on the floor full of clothes that smelled like him, holding the ring to my chest the whole time.

Eventually I went to the therapy and was slowly getting over the loss of the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. My friends (mainly Hanji) made sure I was okay and wouldn't leave me alone for a minute during the first couple of weeks. At first the only thing I could think of was "I can't stand this, I'm going after him" so I later on understood their behavior completely. I'm grateful to them for the rest of my life, since if they'd listened to me and let me weep alone, I would've killed myself in a matter of days.

It's hard to say how long it took for me to recover, 5-8 months maybe. But I did it and I'm sure he's proud of me.

It's been nine and a half years now. I'm standing by his grave as the sweet scent of spring consumes me. I'm thinking about how much of an asshole he was, not letting me tell him I loved him too before disappearing to thin air. Nevertheless I'm smiling and I wonder if he reunited with his mother. Or maybe he was actually sitting on that gravestone and smiling at me with that twinkle in his "strong titan green" eyes he liked to call them.

I crouch down with the bouquet of pink carnations with one purple larkspur standing proudly in the middle of the bunch I'd bought on the way here and set it on the grave. I slide my hand across his name written on the dark stone, even though I know for sure it's so filthy I have to wash and sanitize my hands at least five times when I get home.

"You're getting old," I tell him.

There's a tug on my arm and I turn my head to look at the culprit.

"Why are you talking to a stone, daddy?"

Curious, brown eyes look at mine in confusion and I pet the 4-year-old's head affectionately.

"I'm talking to a person who's very dear to me."

She's adorable when she tilts her head and looks even more confused. I wrap my left arm around my daughter and pull her closer.

"You'll understand it someday. Now wish Eren a happy birthday. He turned 35 today. Pretty old isn't he?"

She giggles and tells me that I'm the old one. As if I didn't know that, silly kid.

"Happy birthday Eren!"

Something about my daughter saying his name makes my chest swell in happiness and pride so I reward her with a word of praise for being polite. Then I tell her to go ahead to the car and that I'd be there in a minute.

I stand up and absentmindedly fiddle with the golden band around my left ring finger. A gentle, warm spring breeze caresses my face, making me close my eyes and smile a little.

"I love you too," I open my eyes and move my gaze to the sky above.

"Happy birthday Eren."

With that I turn my back to the grave and start making my way back to the car my daughter is waiting by, the white gold on my right hand glowing in the sun.

A/N: If you're confused whether Eren was a ghost or a trick of Levi's mind, good. I tried to write it like that. Just so you know, I'm not gonna tell the answer. If you cried, hell yeah, I did too. I'm lame like that.

I'm also sorry about the ring thing. I thought it would be too cliche for my liking (especially the "Mit dir, toujours" part) but I decided to keep it anyway.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! Constructive criticism is very welcomed ~


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